drivers o drivers

For years I have wondered what the point is of having “Road Rage”.  People yell, scream, shout obscenities, get themselves all in a complete tizz over driving on a common road with others.  Does the yelling, increased blood pressure, or bad feelings actually change the situation in any way?  Or by doing that, aren’t you simply harming yourself?

I do understand why people become aggravated with drivers who are inconsiderate.  We have all encountered the Mr. and Mrs. goondo type drivers that are a hazard to themselves and every other driver on the road.  But is their intention to upset you?  Are they making mistakes whilst driving, or are they doing it to endanger those around them?  If you think about it, most people don’t actually try to be terrible drivers.  They don’t go out of their way to be dangerous.  People more likely lose their concentration on the road for one reason or the other, and become sloppy.

Let me ask you, if someone accidentally stepped in front of you, or bumped into you while walking, would you then scream and yell at them?  The answer is probably no.  Even if they knocked you down.  Then why on earth would it be necessary in a car?  The intention is the same.  A simple mistake.  Yet our reaction to it is completely different.

I myself get aggravated with those people who in parking lots do not look where they are going.  They feel that because they are pedestrians, they own the road and that drivers should know where they are.  Even when they don’t stick to the sidewalks, crosswalks, or my favorite is when they walk right behind your car when you are backing up.  Worst offenders of this are usually parents with children in tow.  I want to just slap them!  What are they thinking?  Does the safety of either themselves or their children not count to them or what? 

Don’t you just love it when you are trying to make a lane change, you signal to make the maneuver and the person behind you speeds up so that you can’t complete your action?  Why do they feel the need to do this I wonder?  Will it get them to their destination any quicker by not letting you by?  Why suddenly does manners and courtesy go out the window when behind the wheel of a car.

Normal, nice everyday people LOSE THEIR MINDS when they get behind the wheel of a car.

Another beauty is those people who just refuse to park.  They will drive around and around instead of simply parking in a parking lot.  They somehow feel that they will get the perfect spot if they drive around enough times.  Usually by the time they do end up parking, you are miles away from your destination and totally aggravated.   I ask you, are those few dollars really worth that?

How about those people who don’t bother to park, and simply abandon their cars.  You know the people I am talking about who park over several parking spaces, never straight, and at a completely wrong angle so that everyone else in the entire parkinglot is thrown off.  They don’t even try to be even with the curb, nor do they care if the front or back end is sticking out in the street.  It after all is other people’s responsibility to anticipate people like this and avoid hitting them right?

And why oh why oh why do they not insist that people take “refresher” classes on road safety and behind the wheel as a matter of keeping your license in tact?  People who have had 50 years of driving experience doesn’t mean that they are in fact safe and sane drivers at all.  I believe that there should be some type of examination done more than once in your lifetime.  And not just to the elderly and the sick. 

better in time

Time is something that none of us seem to have these days right?  I mean, between working full time, raising the children, keeping your household running, doing junk jobs and chores, trying to groom, excercise, and eat healthy what time do we really have?

With my own health and my impending operation, time has become in the forefront of my mind.  How little of it we have on this earth.  Are we making the most of our time here?  Are we doing as much as we can to help ourselves and others to be the best versions of ourselves that we can?  Are we smiling, laughing and feeling the true joy of the life that God has given us?  Or, are we drowning in our sorrow, filling our minds and bodies with emptiness and bad influences?  Are we so self focused we have no time to reach out to our fellow humans and give them a hand up along our way?  I guess those questions are up to each of us to answer as individuals.  Questions we need to ask ourselves. 

Right now I am focused on not wasting any time with my life.  Each day I make sure that i go out and have fun.  I am savoring each moment as if it were a bite of fine chocolate that I am slowly moving around in my mouth over each taste bud individually.

I don’t want to waste any more precious time… esp mine…

me s courageous person?

You know I find it funny when people tell me how much courage I have.  Like I was given a choice to be sick in the first place so that I could teach the world from it.  I wasn’t.  I doubt anyone would have the guts or courage to live a long life of pain and suffering like this on purpose.

I also think it is strange that people think courage is those people who jump into the water to save another or run into a burning building.  That is more instinct and stupidity than courage.  You don’t think in those situations.  You don’t stand there and consider the implications.  You simply act.  That is not courage at all.

These are the things that I feel define courage:

A young boy who just got his girlfriend pregnant who chooses to be a man by sticking by the girl and his child and supporting and raising that child no matter what it costs him to do so.

A woman left alone in the world to raise her children with nothing but her own love, skill and efforts.

Someone who is willing to step up and take responsibility for a tough situation when no others come forward even though it will cost them dearly to do so.

Someone who is willing to do what is right rather than what is easy, even if that means it makes them unpopular, or makes them lose their job or friends.

Someone who truly lives their belief system every single day without fail and no matter who else is critical of their lifestyle or choices.  That they are authentic in themselves.

So… those are some of my definitions of courage… 

Courage is when you know what the consequences of your actions could be.  When you can see the bigger picture yet you still choose the hard road ahead.  Courage is having the ability to listen to the voice of God alone and drown all others out in a difficult situation for the common good.

Courage is not doing some crazy adrenaline stunt to show off to your friends.  It is not feats of endurance for the human body.  Courage comes from agreement of the mind, body and soul.  Any one of those things missing from the equation and courage does not exist..

 

i m in an extremely great pain

As sad and horrible as this whole experience is, I can’t even begin to tell you how I have learned a few valuable lessons from it already.

These past few days have been some of the hardest in my entire life.  My normal zen energy has been replaced by I have no idea as to what.  I haven’t been able to sleep in days, every single nerve is raw.  My body feels as though I have been run over by a truck many many times, and then been beaten with a bat just for good measure in case any part of it could have been missed.

I have never in my life reached out to any of my friends for help or support.  I spent so many times in the hospital without most of them even knowing.  One friend recently pointed out to me that I was selfish in doing that.

Maybe some people think I am too proud and stubborn to ask for ANY help, but the truth is i just dun wanna trouble any one of you.. There are other impt things than my health..

Nevertheless, thanks to those who are willing to walk the hard path with me, even when the sun doesn’t shine in my life.  For that I will be always grateful.

Thank you all again. 

:(

It has been said by many people that I am a very good actor. “But You Don’t Look Sick” seemed to be all I heard. Is this a good thing? Most times I take it for the compliment it is, all the while smiling, knowing exactly what it doesn’t mean. It simply means I am not the man I was before. I “act” like a healthy person the best I can. I take on this role as if I will someday win an award for best portrayal of a healthy person. The downside, is that there is no trophy, there is no prize, I just end up alone with my feelings and everything I have kept inside. I act like I don’t care- but I do. I act like I am not scared but I am.

 

I have to live my life different from everyone else around me. I have to think about just getting up out of bed. I need to think about my medication. Do I need to stand for long periods of time? Where is good for me to eat, transportation etc…. Just so many little things that people do not put much thought into at all. I have thought about these things so many times, it is like living in a different world, with different issues, different priorities, and an entirely different language that I can only speak.

If you are a good friend you can dig through the illusions and the crap and find me somewhere inside.

I hate people seeing me when I am sick and especially when I am looking sick. I really hate being pale, with faded eyes. No one would ever know what is in my bags. Unless one spilled over- which is a nightmare I have often. I pack up every possible medical bottle or device. I pack all kinds of stuffs to make me look less ghostly. I bring emergency phone numbers, I bring EVERYTHING!

I do love my life, but I hate alot of things lately..

I hate popping pills, and having people ask me personal health questions that I don’t want to answer.

I hate that everyone thinks any time they talk to me is another opportunity to give unsolicited medical advice.

I hate living up to other people’s expectations of what a healthy person should be.

I hate living up to other people’s expectations of what being sick is.

I hate thinking about how or when I might die, because for me it might be a “when day” and not a “someday”.

I hate never feeling good enough, quick enough, handsome enough, or just “enough”.

I hate that I know my doctors better than I know my friends and some of my family.

I hate that no matter how hard people try, (or don’t try) They will never know the loneliness of being in a crowded room knowing you are the only one who tells time by pills.

I hate people that are inconsiderate, and make plans without thinking of walking or come by unannounced when a phone call can help you so much.

I hate people who complain, “I need a nap”, “I need some caffeine, I have a headache”, “I have pms cramps”, or even better… “I have a cold… I am Ddddddyyyiing!”. These expressions need to be banned, because they do not adequately describe how you are feeling and they belittle what pain and sickness I may be feeling.

I hate having to defend that I am a good son, grandson, brother, or friend.

Most of all lately, I hate people who judge, and give me advice, or questioning stares of how I handle my diagnosis, or my life.

Basically I hate letting people see the effects of my disease. I don’t care if they know that I’m sick, I just don’t want them to have to see it, or deal with it.

I don’t worry about people thinking I’m weak because I know I am stronger then I can even imagine. Despite my disease there has been nothing in my life that I didn’t want to accomplish that I didn’t find a way to. My main reason for hiding my disease is that I don’t want a watered down life. I don’t want the simplest option given to me because somebody thinks I can’t handle any more. I want to decide.

I want you to like me and love me because I am a great person, not despite the - - — but maybe because of it. Maybe having this disease taught me the skill of being a chameleon, mixed with the communication skills of a great counselor, added to a touch of structure and organization from living by the clock and the pills. Maybe I am cautious because I am scared. I live in two worlds- the world of the healthy- where I put my best face out and do anything my heart is set to and I also live in the land of the sick. Here I am understood, but I don’t have that much fun. I worry, I rest. I follow rules, and I live a life in pain. The unfortunate thing- is you really can’t live for very long in two worlds. It is a dizzying, exhausting dance to be two different people. I guess I have grown up a bit. I quite simply do not have the desire to act anymore for you. This is who I am. Good days and bad. Sometimes, there will be days where I am the funny boy that you just can’t believe is sick. Then another day or week later- I may be that really sick boy who used to be funny. It’s all when you catch me.

I  am doing my best.

I want to have one world with one life- no acting- just me. I make no excuses any more for my choices, my feelings, my health. I am trying. I am me.

I wish I could tell you all this and more, but sometimes I think the illusions are easier for you to live with. Let’s make a deal, you can pretend I am healthy, and I can pretend I am happy. I am sure it would work for some time… but would it really be working? Do you really care “How are you feeling” when you ask? There are so many things I wish people knew about me, but I won’t say, because you’re not truly listening..

It hurts me badly when people taught i m playin a prank..

 

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fuck

life is full of shits, dungs and faeces!!

life is farking unfair to me….

Hmmmmmmmm….

When you die, will the people you love know how much you cared? That’s one of the questions that people grappled with after they learnt they were diagnosed with a terminal illness etc…

Let me ask you: What would you hope to accomplish if you had few months left to live?  Everyone, obviously, has a different answer. Some want to travel, some want to bungee jump. But most people want to leave behind a piece of themselves for their loved ones. Nobody wants to be forgotten.

But then again,  don’t think most dying people really end up doing much different than they’ve been doing all their lives. I think people who really want to bungee jump or skydive find a way to do so during their life, not as they’re approaching death. In fact, those activities are often ways to confront our fears of death - if you know you really are dying, you don’t need to skydive to confront the fear of death.

And sure, we all have visions of traveling the world, but when it comes down to it, would that really be more important than spending those last few months with your spouse, children, parents, other family and close friends? Unless you can take all those people with you for one final fling, I think you’re likely to stick close to home to be with them.

And most people don’t even end up quitting their jobs, at least not until they absolutely can’t do it anymore.  But more importantly, I think it’s because most of us have a lot of our identities wrapped up in our work, no matter what our occupation. Going to work is part of what makes us normal. It’s part of how we contribute to the world, make a name for ourselves, keep in contact with friends and the outside world in general. As many retirees will tell you, as much as we look forward to giving up the daily grind, it’s hard to do it when the time actually comes.

I think we should frequently ask ourselves, if we knew we only had few more months to live, what would we do differently? If you find that there’s something you’re not doing that you’re going to regret, figure out why you’re not doing it and what you need to do to change that. If writing, traveling, volunteering, etc. are things that are important to you, do them now while you’re still in physical condition to enjoy it.

I know this is such a bizarre question–one that could never, ever even be really answered unless you were in this very unfortunate place in life.

Am sorry

What will you do if you know that you only have few months left to live, nevermind if it’s the doctor or the fortune teller?

What would you change in your lifestyle today?

How would you change your priorities?

I’d say blessed is the man/woman who can say:

“I’d not change anything because I’m living life to my max right now and even if I die tomorrow I’d still not do anything differently today and can die with no regrets”

I can’t say the same for myself. In fact I think there’s a lot of things I’d like to change for myself. Life is so fragile. One moment you are healthy, and another moment u r diagnosed with a teminal illness.

“Live with no regrets, “Make a difference everyday” are some personal mottos I’ve try to live by, albeit with not much success.

Time to re-think, re-prioritise, re-live, at least for me.

 

Thats what friends are for?

There is a difference between being an acquaintance and being a friend.

First, an acquaintance is someone whose name you know, who you see every
now and then, who you probably have something in common with and who you feel comfortable around.

It’s a person that you can invite to your home and share things with.  But they are people who you wouldn’t share your life with, whose actions sometimes you don’t understand because you don’t know enough about them..

On the other hand, a friend is someone you love. Not that you are “in love” with them, but you care about them and you think about them when they are not there.  The people you are reminded of when you see something they might like, and you know this because you know them so well.

They are the people you feel safe around because you know they care about you. They call just to see how you are doing, because a friend doesn’t need an excuse.  They tell you the truth, the first time, and you do the same. You know that  if you have a problem, they are there to listen.

They are the people who won’t laugh at you or hurt you, and if they do hurt you they try hard to make it up to you. Your life is not the same without them.

These are your friends. How many do you have?

Thanks to a friend who accompany me to the beach yesterday. He is indeed a true friend..